GalacticMu

Look, I’m not imagining it: they don’t make ‘em like they used to.

There will be spoilers in this post, but you’ll survive.

Case in point: Solarbabies. The year is 1986. Jami Gertz weighs 90 pounds. Jason Patric doesn’t yet have the white-fro of The Lost Boys. Most importantly, no one is afraid of making bad guys wear padded dusty blue Naugahyde uniforms.

Madam, Mr. Nagel is on the line, shall I ask him to hold?

The movie itself has massive, buffoony flaws, but nothing that detracts from the adolescent charm of it. There awkward cuts, some embarrassing dialog, a scene of profoundly distracting hairsprayed bangs and questionable physics. But these are all secondary to the fact that there is torture, fascism, murder, bigotry against owls, and non-stop suggestions to defy authority. I hadn’t seen it in 20 years, but I suddenly think I might have a culprit for early encouragement to my apocalypse obsession. Solarbabies starts out a smidge on the ghetto side, as far as visuals go (”How are we going to decorate half a dozen rollerskating outfits with just this sack of spray paint?” “With half-heartedness, that’s how!”), but ramps up slowly until the climax of a tire-smelting bordertown followed by a battle where guards are knocked out by being struck lightly on their helmets with hockey sticks. Also: dogs with flashlights strapped to their heads.

(Curiously, I had just watched Top Gun for the first time in about 10 years only to realize that I recognized one of the actors from Solarbabies. And nagging memory and IMDB led me to recognize him as Nathan Petrelli from Heroes.)

Nevertheless! The movie is widely reviled, at least among the more vocal of the internets. But I ask you: would you rather be watching Hanna Montana and her merry band of microphone-fellating Lolitas? No amount of crucifix wearing will make up for rouge on a child, I tell you what. Meanwhile Solarbabies gets the boo and the hiss just because everyone is somehow able to rollerskate in the desert without hitting small pebbles and then breaking both their wrists? C’mon, it’s the future! I am just thankful the movie was made during a time when no one cared that the kids weren’t wearing helmets and kneepads. The director was all, “C’mon, jump that ramp! You’ll be fine! Have a cigarette break.”

Look, do you think a person could walk into Hollywood these days and say, “I want to make Mad Max - for kids!” and have studio execs respond, “Okay, but we can only give you seven and a half million dollars.” No. Case closed.