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I Got a Bad Feeling ‘Bout This Drop

Posted by Sunday on Sep 18, 2008 at 7:00 pm in TV

Sorry to rape, murder and then beat a dead horse, but I can’t help it.  I have limited obsessive-compulsive tendencies.

Fringe is pretty laughable. In fact, I’m not even sure the general public is going to tolerate it for longer than a year or two.  It’s baby days, still, sure, but that baby better turn into a swan, because at this stage it looks like a goddamn troglodyte.  But hey!  It’s free on Hulu.com right now!  And what else do I have to do while I wait for employment callbacks?

Let’s make a spoilery list on Episode 2!

  • Nearly three straight minutes of screaming is severely testing my patience and the episode has barely even started.
  •  Hint to screenwriters: no nurse has ever yelled to a doctor “WE GOT TO CUT THIS BABY OUT NOW, DOCTOR!” and especially not while the patient was conscious.  If there ever were a nurse that had done that, I guarantee you she is now lying in parts at the bottom of a biohazard containment pit.
  • Okay, okay.  I’m TRYING to remain OPEN.  But the mass of a biological entity the size of a human being simply cannot grow in a matter of minutes.  It just can’t. Or rather, there would be such in incredible consumption of raw energy (not to mention energy waste) that the room would have heated to like a 1000° or something.  Don’t check my math, just roll with me.  You know what I’m saying?  Laws of physics simply don’t allow for that kind of organic growth, not even in fringe science.
  • There is no such thing as “medical grade leak-proof linen”.
  • Also, if Clarice Starling taught me anything, it’s that female FBI agents who stomp off and get teary every time they encounter a serial killer’s victim are going to get EATEN ALIVE.  Maybe literally.
  • Hint to screenwriters: even hookers get suspicious when some guy with a duffel bag takes them to a warehouse in the middle of nowhere.
  • Okay, okay.  Everyone, screenwriters: it is very, very rare for impregnation to occur in under 30 minutes.  Which is the point the plot hinges on:  man with super-advanced aging porks hooker, hooker gets pregnant with super-advanced aging baby, etc. etc.  Why would the sperm even live long enough to impregnate her?  The lifespan of a single sperm is 2-7 days in normal people — in a super-advanced ager it would be like, a fraction of a second.  And should it have even lived long enough to impregnate her, it would probably encounter the egg in the fallopian tube, which would have led to instant death from ectopic pregancy.  That’s even assuming her uterus could contain something growing that fast without rupturing, which it couldn’t.  GODDAMN IT, IT TAKES ONLY A LITTLE EFFORT TO FAKE SCIENCE.  Take a fucking minute to make it sound plausable, you asswads!

agent-dunham.jpg

My face is stuck like this.

  • I’m sorry, none of these people feel like they have any experience with anything at all.  Would it kill someone to throw in little bits of reality, like have someone ask “Are we recording?” during a crucial visual experiment?  There’s zero humanity.  Ever.  No one eats.  No one checks someone else’s math.  Agent Sculder Dunham is clearly going to be both Mulder and Scully, both a believer and rigidly moralistic while adopting a permanent expression of slightly put-out disapproval. The kid will always be the cruelly disbelieving shit who is alternately a genius, a lothario and a dumbass.  Denethor will be Denethor.  Astrid Farnsworth should be getting a spin-off show any day now.

In conclusion:

Meh.  It was okay.  It didn’t make me immediately crave another one, like some deliciously improbable shows. (House, are you there?  It’s me, Sunday.)  The special effects were surprisingly uninspired.  I’m sure some of the medical stuff gave some viewers shivers, but it was straight-up CSI crap – did they blow the whole budget on redubbing the screaming over and over until it was sufficiently shrill?

In conclusion in conclusion:

Boo.

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September 18th, 2008 | TV

7 Responses to “I Got a Bad Feeling ‘Bout This Drop”

  1. xadrian Says:

    Not to mention the fact that eyes just don’t work like that. Once it hits the retina, it’s no longer and image you can filter out. Neurons fire into the back of the brain, there’s no little drive in where can “see” the image. Pulling it out of the optic nerve would be like trying to watch a movie by putting a butterfly net between the projector and the screen.

    I’m entertained by banter and the Bishops have that. As long as Dunham doesn’t turn into a parody, I’ll keep watching.

  2. Sunday Says:

    There was a point, I think around the eyeball part, where I stopped caring. You nailed it: eyes just don’t work like that.

    The sucky part is that I love fringe science. I love Charles Fort. But fringe science is supposed to be sciences that are unsubstantiated, not dumb, impossible science. Blerg!

    I’m sure I’ll keep watching it. I hate myself for it, but I’m weak.

  3. quagmire Says:

    Shows you love, but hate to watch … TVland is rife with ‘em.
    (sorta related): Sarah Conner Chronicles is/are fuckin’ stupid, yet I start to shake if it looks like I may miss an episode. I mainly watched last season because Summer Glau’s character was brilliantly (and I believe, intentionally) funny. Example: John ‘Estupido’ Conner say’s “I call shotgun!” as they get into mom’s SUV. Terminator girl quips, “I call nine-millimeter!” LoL’d that one.
    This season they made her sullen, unfunny and apparently suffering an aneurysm in her CPU that makes her want to kill the good guys! … fucktard writers (and they ‘struck’ for more money???). Rumor has it that they completely ruined ’24′ next season … prolly Kiefer sobered up and can’t empathize with the character any more.
    Next thing ya know, they’ll have a story-line and some kinda actual plot to ‘Lost’ … (naw, no chance!)

  4. Megasquid Says:

    Astonishingly, even sites like “Biology in Science Fiction” are giving this turkey a pass– didn’t even mention the whole fuck-the-laws-of-physics growth rate. (And even that pales next to the proposition that unused lab space at a major university is going to remain vacant for 17 years without being invaded by Denethor’s better-published rivals, or carved into two thousand grad-student cubicles.)

    I was seriously considering decrying that idiotic show on my own blog, but given how many people seem to be liking it I think I’ll just cut to the chase and write something on the inherent stupidity of the human brain instead.

    Oh, and respectfully disagree with quagmire re SCC. That show has some moments of supreme dumbness, yes, but it’s also got some of the deepest literary roots I’ve seen in televised sf.

  5. Sunday Says:

    I suppose I should have started a list of “Proof That Fringe Takes Place In An Alternate Dimension”. I just felt my blood pressure going up so I drank a beer and unfocused my eyes a little.

    I also enjoyed the brightly lit sense-dep tank. Sensory deprivation is a difficult concept for people. I don’t remember where I read it, but I read some mainstream entertainment review comment that Agent Dunham, while in the tank, was swimming in a vat of “unknown chemicals” or some such – and they weren’t referring to the cocktail in her bloodstream. They were referring to the sodium chloride. WHAT COULD IT BE?

    I like it when you decry the inherent stupidity of the human brain. But I’d also like to see you rip Fringe. I’ve tasted blood.

    Oh, and even quagmire disagrees with quagmire, maybe not even respectfully. He actually really enjoys SCC, just as I do, but once he starts in on something he’s difficult to stop.

  6. quagmire Says:

    I lurv it when people respectfully disagree, better than disrespectfully agreeing, eh?
    Yep, SarConCron is a love/hate for me, yet disproportionally more love is in the room than hate. I really only have one recurring pet peeve: the way they’ve written Johnny-boy’s character. On the one hand, we have this Mensa-level young man who has been told a bazillion goddamn times that the fate of MF’n EARTH and all humanity depends on his ‘growing up’ to be Big John and leading the rebels. Yet, each and every effin’ time mom has to go somewhere to look pensive and fine, she flippantly says, “John, stay put, don’t go anywhere or talk to anybody.’… and what does the dweeb savior-of-mankind do? He says some shit like, ‘I got a life of my own man. What’s the point if I can’t go to Starbuck’s or shopping for a sexy dress with my well-endowed not-girlfriend?’ Of course the next scene is ALWAYS Cromarty about to cap his skinny ass in the mall.
    … I gotta go check the ship’s x-band array now, so I can get next weeks show!

  7. JEFF Says:

    Man this does not look good– I am only in the second episode, and already ready to turn it off. screaming listed above, and reference to leak proof medical grade linens– that I had to look up! I fee so gullible. I would expect to hear some high techno-babble from star trek with nacells and warp theta band subspace emissions – but those sheets are a few years off and the time setting seems to be current in very other respect. just a hard to get into show for me. What happened to good sci-fi?

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