Press your spaceface close to mine

Colonoscopy Live-Blogging: Day 1, Prep

Posted by Sunday on Dec 29, 2008 at 7:16 am in Weird Science

5:12 AM:

This is predictable.  I picked up a headcold yesterday and woke at 3:30 this ‘morning’ totally unable to breathe out of my nose and doing that sleep-apnea thing where I wake up gasping for air while lying in a pool of my own saliva.  There’s also a great deal of drainage making its way to my stomach, so I’m belchy and nauseated as well.  This is going to be a fucking long, long day.

11:21 AM:

Oh, fuck.  I was totally going to get up at 8 or 9 and take a nice walk downtown and get my legs stretched out since I’m going to be housebound for about the next 48 hours and what do I fucking do?  I sleep in until 11.  I’m retarded.

11:57 AM:

I am so behind schedule right now.  But here’s my breakfast:


Sudafed and 7-Up.  The nurse said it was okay.

12:14 PM:

Okay.  Everyone calm down.  The computer just bugged out and then the dog threw up on the rug.  I don’t think they were related.

12:18 PM:

I think it’s a pretty bad sign when your meds from the pharmacy come in a grocery bag:


Step one is to mix up your Colyte, which also comes under the name called “GoLytely” which CRACKS ME UP.


Anyway, you have to mix water into it to make the world’s most horrible beverage and let it chill.


The pharmacist asked me if I’d done it before and I said yes, but a while ago so she might as well tell me whatever info she wanted to tell me.  She said brightly, “It’s much better now!” and I said, “What, is it delicious now?” and she stared at me and then said.  “No.  But now we admit that you probably won’t be able to drink the whole thing and just encourage you to drink as much as you can.”

12:25 PM:

I am irritated by an inexplicable emphisis to MIX the solution:


They mean to emphasize to mix it according to their own instructions and not the directions on the packaging itself.  But they didn’t.

12:32 PM:

Here we go.  Four bisacodyl tablets they don’t even bother to take out of the over-the-counter bubble-pack:


Bisacodyl is also known as Ducolax.  I think you take one if you’re constipated.


  Let’s get this party started right.  Let’s get this party started funky.

1:01 PM:

I got nuthin’, sorry.  I mean, we’re just waiting for the bisacodyl to kick in.  I’m going to go watch The Deadliest Catch for a while.

2:23 PM:

I’m getting a little worried.  Normally I’d have had at least one bowel movement already today (I have between 3 and 10 a day – yay Crohn’s Disease!) but it’s 2:30 and I haven’t even had one.  After taking four potent bowel-movers.  This is going to be like Krakatoa, isn’t it?

3:53 PM:

I’m getting hungry now.   I don’t know if I made it clear yet, but I was supposed to stop eating food at 9am, which I slept through, which means I haven’t eaten since 7pm yesterday.  Honestly, I don’t really care that much.  I am nauseated and gassy from having a draining head cold and between the Sudafed and the copious sugary drinks, I think I can see through solid matter.  The dog has now pooped twice and I haven’t even pooted.  Totally fucking classic.

4:04 PM:

I forgot to add that I kind of have a crush on Sig Hansen, the captain of the Northwestern on The Deadliest Catch.  I think it’s a Norwegian thing.  It also might be a no food, lots of high fructose corn syrup and pseudoephedrine thing.  Also, the angry cigarette-smoking and coffee drinking reminds me of a special Norwegian fellow I miss right now.

5:23 PM:

Oh jesus.  Cramping.  Also, I’m salivating a ridiculous amount, but that could be caused by a half dozen things right now.   Anyway, something is happening in the engine room, if you know what I mean.  I start drinking the Colyte in about 30 minutes.

5:58 PM:

I just threw up and I haven’t even started the Colyte yet.  It was all swallowed congestion.   Excellent work, everybody.

6:11 PM:

Well, this would have been useful knowledge several anal probes ago:


Biting a lime after taking a chug totally stops any gag reflex.  It’s amazing.  Like, I started shaking with relief amazing.  I might actually pull this off without sobbing and begging for mercy.   Maybe.  I mean, I’ll tell you after the next seven glasses.  Incidentally, this stuff?


No.  Really, really sweet and tastes like furniture polish.  I’ll try another flavor to be sure.  For science.

7:06 PM:

Hold fast!  Phew.  And, everyone who is surprised that the toilet suddenly broke raise their hand.  Beuller?  Beuller?   That’s because of course it broke. All I need is a functioning toilet right now.  That’s pretty much it.  But!  That’s what daddies are for, and mine has already beaten it into possibly temporary submission.  Erp – gotta go.

10:22 PM:

The first 5 glasses were okay.  I was feeling pretty cocky.  Glass 6 was questionable.  Glass 7 suddenly didn’t go down so well.   Glass 8 took me nearly an hour to drink.  There were a few close calls in there where an ill-time sneeze nearly resulted in some poorly written Sex and the City – The Movie humor.  I started getting chills that wouldn’t go away, shaking while chugging more ice-cold liquid.  I never thought I’d be ‘rewarding’ myself with a mug of hot chicken stock, but I’ll be damned if that wasn’t the best tasting mug of chicken stock ever.  I’m tired.

Tomorrow I’ll be up at 6am for a shower and a ride to the clinic.  Home no later than noon.  Stand by.

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December 29th, 2008 | Weird Science

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